It was early in the summer. The night was young, and I was sitting in my room, completely calm. My friend was sitting on the couch next to my bed, and my brother was in front of me. It was a cool night, and I remember there being a beautiful moon shining outside my window. I was completely entranced in it, and then I heard a comment that made my entire world collapse from underneath me. This comment was hard, harsh, and brute. It was a mistake, nonetheless, but unnecessary. As most people know who have close friends, theres this look I like to call "the eyes". When she made that comment, I gave her "the eyes", a signal to stop, and she continued anyways. When the second comment came out, I kept on exclaiming, "No! Thats not true". Then a third time came around, and she finally got the message. The damage had been done, but my heart was out of my chest. I felt physically sick. The damage that was done was irreparable.
My brother left the room when I asked to talk to speak to this friend in private. He said "I don't care! I would never think of you differently". This part broke my heart. It was a win out of a horribly unfortunate situation that I would never get to partake in solely.
Skipping forward, I brought her home and then asked for some time to process.
One thing that I have picked up on from this situation, is that we were never on the same page.
Now, 2 months after the "incident", she is continuing to ask for forgiveness, and I just could never bring myself to. At one point, her mother came over my home in Woodstock to try to get me to forgive her. I said I would, and since then, I still haven't. I tried so, incredibly hard to, but she made it so very difficult. She would mope around, and make me feel bad for something all together I was not faulty for.
Yes, I know. A true relationship is two imperfect people who love each other and never give up on one another, but is it so bad to give up after it hurts more than it does good?
She would constantly ask me for forgiveness and how to fix the situation. Every time I would receive such texts, I felt so incredibly lost. My heart says forgive and forget, but my soul hurts. Is it unforgivable to give up on something you don't want to be fixed?
Life has been incredibly stressful since what happened between me and my friend. I have questioned myself, I have mentally hurt myself, and felt so irreparably broken. And yet, this is all so confusing to me. I have always been told to remember all of the good that a person has done over the bad, but what do we do when the bad trumps the good? Or when the good trumps the bad? Or when they both balance out to a point of complete insanity that no one in their right mind could possibly work through on their own?
But what confuses me the most, are the people who have loved me even when I was unloveable.
I have been incredibly blessed since moving to Johnson, VT. I cannot explain the happiness that I feel, and the lightness that life brings when you are surrounded by those that set your soul on fire.
I have never been one for true, raw emotion. Today, I am making a change in my life. First, starting with Adriana.
I remember the first day I met Adriana. I was overzealous and truthfully off the wall. My emotions were everywhere, and I have absolutely no idea how she sat at a table with me for more than 5 minutes. I was full of anxiety, and when she was there, and I didn't even know her yet, I became immediately calm. I knew that had to mean something. Now, I look back, and I couldn't have been more right.
She has truly taught me what it means to have a true friend. She has made me a better version of my true self, and I cannot even begin to know how to thank her. I knew when I met her, she was going to be my best friend. I couldn't have been more right. She knows my weaknesses, yet has shown me my strengths. She's one of those people who makes life better just by being in it, and I have experienced that only a handful of times. Maybe even less.
I have always been confused with people, and never known what it was like to have someone who completely made me comfortable in my own skin.
Today, I ended the friendship with the girl who hurt me more than anyone has in my entire life. It felt wrong, yet freeing, and Adriana was completely behind my back the whole way. It felt liberating, and calming.
She has taught me what a true, and healthy, friendship is like. Honestly, she gave me the strength to do what was right for myself. To remove myself from something toxic.
It seems so minuscule, but it is something I couldn't have done by myself.
She pushes me; challenges me. She makes me laugh, makes me happy, makes me better.
This past year, I spent my life as a ghost, where I was unsure of where home was. Now, I am home.
I have learned so much.
What I have learned from moving to college:
1. People are greater than their problems.
2. The happy moments outweigh the bad ones.
3. Friendship is never about how long you have known a person. It is about who has said "I'm here for you" and has proven it.
4. If you have to force it, leave it.
5. Tell the people you love, that you love them, and say it often.
6. Surround yourself with those who bring out the very best in you.
But most importantly, choosing to forgive, even when it feels impossible due to prior experiences, is so important. It's okay when forgiveness comes with removing the person or thing that hurt you. Stepping away is not unforgivable.
I am choosing forgiveness, I am choosing love, I am choosing happiness.
What I've learned from this experience, is that the most beautiful of things in life just happen to not be things, but people, and places, and memories, and moments. Happiness is not a checklist or a to-do list. It is your dream job, your life with the person you love so incredibly much, your family and how much the mutual love affects your life in a positive way, and how you have effected people. Its the dogs, and the home you have created, and the smile across your face at the end of the day. We only rise to happiness by lifting up others, and sometimes, getting knocked down doing so just means you can stand up taller and rise with them. But especially, if you have been knocked down, it is okay to remove yourself from the situation that knocked you down in the first place.
With the help of Adriana, I woke up and realized that I didn’t have to feel like this anymore. I didn't have to let the accidental hurt my once friend put on me control my life. I could forgive, and forget. I changed, and who knows if I will fall back into the dark places I was in prior to my miraculous wake up call, but I am willing to take that chance. And no matter how I feel when I wake up in the morning, I get up and get dressed and face the world like it’s the last day of my life. Never, ever give up, because I truly believe that nothing is impossible. Especially forgiveness.
But most importantly, I am choosing stability.
I have suffered for far too long, and it's not until now that I have realized that forgiveness is key to regaining my happiness, even when forgiveness comes with removal of the thing that makes you so incredibly unhappy.
My soul has been pulled to the place it belongs.
I am finally awake.
The way out of this labyrinth is to forgive and move on, whether you leave behind the people you thought were true, and whether you leave behind the person you thought you were. No matter how much hurt you have received, somewhere you will find your happiness, and no matter how errant you believe you are, you will always belong.
"Our shoes are tattered and torn, but our feet are dry. As for our places in history, we will run naked through your streets before we sit decorated in your halls."