It has always been stressful for me to explain exactly whats going on in my head when I feel like I am going to have a panic attack, or worries in general. I am confused by it, so how could I share it?
I have been lucky in life. I haven't had to deal with much loss, and I haven't had to deal with much sadness or grief. But, I am human, so I have had to deal with something.
This past October 1st, I lost my dog Counsel to Lymphoma (cancer). It was traumatizing, to say in the least, as he died in my arms. It was a moment of pure loss, grief, anger, and sadness. Never in my entire life, have I experienced something like that.
Now, relating this back to anxiety.
When I lost my dog, I knew I was completely alone. He was my emotional support system my entire life, and having that ripped out from under me, .... no, from my soul, was painful. My dad went through some tough times and left my family and I due to certain circumstances. When I was going through that emotionally taxing time, my dog was there for me, and calmed my anxieties. Now, I am in college, and having trouble coping.
What i've learned from the past year, is that I have severe social anxiety. Ever since my junior year of high school, I have been preoccupied with the intrusive thought that everyone hates me, especially my friends. I have asked them over and over, "do you hate me?" or "do you actually want to be friends with me?" and annoyed them with my irrational fear until they left me in the dust. It has been a huge set back in my life, as I have had trouble making quality friends.
Now, I am a freshman in college, and my anxiety has gone through the roof. Even though I am surrounded by people constantly, I have never felt more alone. Therefore, I truly do wonder if the people I hang out with actually want to be around me.
One person in particular makes me question our friendship constantly.
I made friends with Adriana early in the Bridge Program. She has been nothing but good to me, and I can't imagine my life without her. The only problem, is that I am constantly asking her the infamous question that makes me lose friends. I know it annoys her, yet she is still around. For me, this has been confusing. I guess it is because I am so used to people leaving me behind.
But for some reason, she doesn't.
She has taught me that it is okay to have anxiety, and that I should not be ashamed of what makes me anxious. It has helped me more than I can explain, and I am truly grateful for her patience. I now have a support group again, and I have never felt more at home.
Today, I am going to start to live life a little differently.
Everyday, I am going to list one thing that I am truly grateful for.
Today, I am grateful for Adriana. I am grateful for her compassion, understanding, and soul. For she is my best friend, and I don't know what I would do without her. I know deep down, that I have truly come across something that makes waking up in the morning a little easier.
I have never accepted my anxiety for what it is. Today, I am working towards a happier future of acceptance.
"Our shoes are tattered and torn, but our feet are dry. As for our places in history, we will run naked through your streets before we sit decorated in your halls."