I have a tough time feeling, well, anything.
The one thing that I know I feel, is unrequited love.
Ever since I was young, I was taught to be presentable at all times. Emotions weren't expressed very often, and I truly took that to heart.
It is so, so, so much easier to act like nothing matters. Yet, I can't help but take things to heart that are said to me. It is confusing, and difficult.
In these past few weeks of college, I have found myself more emotional than I have ever been in my entire life. I am stressed because of my classes, I am confused about majors, and have, and am, experiencing the heart-wrenching feeling of unrequited love.
Life itself has been everywhere at once for me.
I miss my family very much. I miss the long car rides with my brother, where we would sing Panic! At The Disco, Drake, and just about anything in-between at the top of our lungs. I miss the long, dark nights with my dogs sitting underneath the warm covers of my bed. I miss the nights where my mother would allow my brother and I to sit in the living room to eat dinner so we could watch a game or the olympics.
I miss the simple things.
Yet, I can't see myself being anywhere but here.
I can't envision my life without the nights of sitting on my bed with friends, talking until the early hours of the morning. The closeness of the people around me. The feeling of being with the people I love more than anything in this world.
It is so different than how I felt one year ago.
One year ago, I was sleeping on the floor in my living room in Woodstock, CT, next to my terminally ill dog. The crippling feeling of loss was constantly flowing through my veins. My heart hurt deeply.
One year ago, I was questioning my purpose on this earth. I was hurting myself in ungodly ways. I was hurting others with my words.
One year ago, I lost myself.
Now, in the midst of finding myself here at college, I am struggling with finding you.
"I have blisters on my feet from dancing with your ghost."
Unrequited love. It has been something that I've felt for most of my time here at college. I have so much hatred towards it.
“Its the feeling of being completely, hopelessly, desperately in love with someone, all the while knowing that your feelings will never reach them."
It can be masochistic in nature- it causes such heartache, but you enjoy loving the person so much, you willingly let your heart go through the agony, so you can hold onto something- I don’t know, maybe hope?
In any case, unrequited love is a very sad thing.
I have been listening to the song Loveland by Milky Chance for the past half an hour. It makes me think, what is loveland? Does it exist?
Take me to loveland
And no one’s gonna find me
Cause I’m leavin’ this old place
I don’t care
You are the flowers that block my mouth.
I don’t know if this place exists, but I definitely yearn for it. But, “perhaps a great love is never returned”.
I have a huge amount paranoia when it comes to my emotions. Therefore, I tend to block them out. But for some reason, you bring out the best in me, and I can't help but feel.
Being friends with you, I was given something I never wanted; the ability to feel, and feel everything. Sometimes all at once. Sometimes, nothing all together. And for that, I’m grateful.
I just know, that you taught me that there is more to life than what is visible to the eye. Look underneath the top layer, maybe even look around the corner. Get out of bed each day and face the world, ready to learn something fabulous and unforgettable. Go out and have a raw, transcendent experience.
You sure were mine.
"Our shoes are tattered and torn, but our feet are dry. As for our places in history, we will run naked through your streets before we sit decorated in your halls."