Things I have dealt with in my life have made me a deeply angry and uncomfortable person. I am not fragile.
- Tolerance is the ability or willingness to tolerate something, in particular the existence of opinions or behavior that one does not necessarily agree with.
It was early in my freshman year at MPS, and I made friends pretty quickly with this girl (I do not want to identify her). She was kind, compassionate, and was always by my side. She was my best friend, at least to the best of my knowledge.
Then, things went downhill out of nowhere. She stole my phone, read through my text messages, and invaded my privacy. I told her to give my phone back to me, but failed. She then, for no apparent reason, turned all of her, and my friends, against me, and then never talked to me again.
Then, she took things too fat. She told me to "go kill myself', in a joking manor, yet still in a way that pierced me in a disgusting way. It was traumatizing, and I have had trust issues with people I call my friends since.
Now, the major problem with this story is that I never stood up for myself. I never told her no, I never told her what was bothering me, and I never, ever, said anything to her for being so incredibly rude and awful to me.
This time around, I will stand up for myself.
Now, back to the present day, where my tolerance has reached an all time low.
A week ago, some kid that was in the same suite as I said to me, "you look angry and depressed, why are you here".
I got up and left, as I felt extremely unwelcome and uncomfortable, and had an extremely tough time afterwards. It was painful, to say in the least.
I have been struggling with depression for a good long time. It was ruled even my best days, and I have been going through the process of healing for as long as I can remember. I have tolerated more than I should have, and hurt myself in ungodly ways due to things I just could not handle. For him to say that to me, felt like a knife had been plunged into my lungs. I couldn't breathe, I couldn't think, I couldn't talk. All I could do was question my existence. Why am I here, why am I alive, why am I here.
For him to question both me and my mental health is beyond me. My head went to a bad place, and I felt for the first time in a long time, genuinely awful about myself. I questioned my life, and I felt like I shouldn't have been here.
This was unkind, this was not thought through, this was degrading.
I know I am a good person, but my patience and tolerance level for people who are unkind is very, very small.
I have had a week to think about this persons actions, and I am struggling to find forgiveness inside of me for them. I know forgiveness is the key to end this labyrinth of suffering, but sometimes it is the reason people get away with what they do without consequences. The only thing I have wished for, is an apology.
I am not fragile. I am not weak. I am human, and I know what my tolerance level is. I do not deserve what has been done to me, both in the present and the past, and I will stand up for myself, no matter what others have to say.
As Watsky said, I have the audacity to think I matter.
I will not put up with people who purposely make me feel less than.
I will not let people treat me poorly, because I am worth way more than that.
I will not let people invade me with their toxic fumes.
I will not let people threaten my mental health.
I will stand up for myself, as it is the least I can do to support a healthy mental lifestyle.
"Be kind, because you never know how much the person next to you is suffering. "
"Our shoes are tattered and torn, but our feet are dry. As for our places in history, we will run naked through your streets before we sit decorated in your halls."