It was early in the morning. My room was cold, and the sun was just coming up. I remember feeling very lost. Why did I wake up feeling like something awful is/was going to happen?
I had a dream last night that left me uncomfortable when I woke up:
In this dream, I was surrounded by people I didn't know. I was in a classroom, and the teacher was in the front of the room. They were all smart, and judgmental; the only traits I picked up on. They all sat in a studious manor, in hard chairs and desks. I was in the back of the room sitting in a recliner. I remember feeling embarrassed to be there. I would try to give my input on what was being taught in class, but I was never heard.
The whole time I was in class, people were ignoring me. The teacher would constantly come over and tell me I wasn't doing anything or trying hard enough. I would ask for help, but no one would help me. My words were not being heard.
Around the end of my dream, we were all getting into group work. It felt like the people around me were speaking another language. I would try to help, but all I could do was the physical portion of the work; like drawing and putting things already set out together.
Then, the teacher came up to me and said "you are slacking, you are not participating, and you are not learning. You need to try harder. You are not doing well enough. You are going to fail".
The words haunted me, and I tried to ask for help, but again, I was ignored.
Then, as I moved seats to try to get out of the way of others, the teacher came back at me again and said the same things.
Then, I woke up.
I woke up this morning with an unsteady feeling. I didn't know what I had dreamed about until a few moments later. When I thought about it, it felt surreal, almost traumatizing.
I have never had a good track record when it came to school. I was diagnosed with three learning disabilities when I was in 9th grade, but have struggled with them since elementary school.
I remember very vividly when I went to the Learning Psychologist. I would sit in his office for two hours and put images into words and read sentences and do math. I think I did this for a few days in a row? I am not sure, in all honesty. I try to forget this situation.
I remember sitting in his office one day, talking to him about my results. He concluded that I have ADD (Attention Deficit Disorder Non-Hyperactive), a Retention Disorder (Short term memory to where I can bring in information and then forget it within minutes), and LDNOS (Learning Disability Not Otherwise Specified which is apparently not used anymore). He talked to me about what they meant, and what I should do to deal with them. He said that they were pretty severe, and that it would be close to unlikely for me to get an A or a B, let alone get into college. But, he told me to continue to work at school and try my best. His comment has stayed with me since.
When I went to Marianapolis Preparatory School, it felt like I was almost shamed for not being smart. I wasn't gifted, and it felt like I didn't belong there. I would go after school for help, and my teachers would not give me any. They didn't have to help me, so they didn't.
I ended up transferring schools due to the issue that since they were a private school, they didn't have to offer any help for people who had learning challenges. It made me feel less than human, and I have struggled with my confidence in schooling ever since.
I went to The Woodstock Academy after leaving Marianapolis Preparatory School. It was the best decision I have ever made, as I got endless help with my learning struggles. It made me feel better about myself, but the never ending lingering feeling of inhumanity still followed me.
I struggled in High School because of my lack of self confidence. I would give up the moment things got tough. Being told I couldn't achieve something by someone who has achieved so much made me truly believe that nothing was possible.
Nothing has quite made sense in a long time, but what I do know, is that I am smart in my own ways. I have been hurt for a long time due to my circumstances with learning, but as of now, I am doing okay.
I am thriving in college, and I am happy.
You are not your test results, or the opinion of others. All I have to do, is be myself, and work as hard as I can.
"Reminding myself every day that what I put forward in this world is meaningful."
"Our shoes are tattered and torn, but our feet are dry. As for our places in history, we will run naked through your streets before we sit decorated in your halls."