Valley Maker has been my "go-to" music choice these past two weeks. I have been listening to Goodness the most lately.
So when I die will you dig my grave? The only place I want to lay Is right by you in the shade, A million nights, a million days, But there's a lifetime in between, I wanna set my goodness free, I feel my nature, it goes away, I will not keep, I will not stay I will not keep, I will not stay"
I have a good heart, I do know that.
Yet, life has been so confusing lately. I need to just throw my thoughts out there. I am showing myself in a different light, so please be kind.
I have done a lot of thinking as to what truly scares me this past week. The only two things that I know I am deathly afraid of, are death and emotion.
Ironic, right? How can I feel so much anger and fear towards death when I cannot feel or show emotion?
Yes, I can "feel" emotion, but whenever I have to talk about it, show it, or do anything with emotion, I am unable to.
I had a friend show emotion towards me, and immediately felt as if I had to flee the friendship. I needed an out, and I ran for the hills. Now, i didn't want to end the friendship, and we are currently working through our differences. But in all honesty, where did "my goodness go"?
For the past two years or so, I have been having rapid mood swings. I can go from happy to sad in a matter of seconds, and then angry and then hyper active. I am all over the place, all the time. Sometimes they last minutes, sometimes they last days. It makes zero sense to me.
I have always had a tough time with anger too. I have been working through it in therapy, but it has been a problem for the past three years. I have no reason to be angry, but I can just break out in an angry fit and hurt the people around me with my words. I get frustrated easily, and I have no reasoning behind it. It is draining, honestly.
I try so hard to feel something, yet I feel so empty all the time. I have zero sense of self and I am not sure what to do about it. I am a happy person, but deeply everything else, and I can't pick one thing that I am. I can't even pick 10. I am all of the above, and I want to find myself. Sometimes, I find myself feeling like I am out of my body. I have this surreal feeling of being someone else; not myself. It is jarring.
What sucks from all of this, is that I can't hold a steady friendship because I feel like I will be abandoned. It is the most unstable feeling I have experienced. I find, that I usually terminate the friendship before I get too attached, or feel as if the other person is getting too close to me. It isn't healthy for me, or the people I befriend. It makes me feel as if I don't have any good in me. It is uncomfortable, and intense.
I have also picked up some OCD tendencies. I am paranoid constantly. I feel unhealthy, but I am not sure if I am unhappy. It is confusing, and I am unsure of what to do.
Life is confusing, and I want to figure things out. It is just taking longer than I expected.
"Our shoes are tattered and torn, but our feet are dry. As for our places in history, we will run naked through your streets before we sit decorated in your halls."